Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Pattern
For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Inquiring
This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.
Personal Peace
I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.
Exploring the Causes
A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.
Useful Strategies
Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.
This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.
